What Do Men Want? Part One

By DemocracyRules

Also see: What Do Women Want?

The picture shows Madonna before she started writing children's books. 

Oh WE KNOW what men want, women exclaim.  But women don't know as much as they think.  In some ways men are more complicated than women.  Let me ask you this: if men are so simple, why is it so hard to predict what they will do next?  I'm going to argue that the main thing adult men want is LOVE.

A while ago I saw the biographical movie 'Sweet Dreams' about the  country-western singer Patsy Cline.  The male lead (played by Ed Harris) had been hanging around her for a while, trying to get to know her, and she was sitting with two friends in a bar when he showed up again. 

"We know what you want", said one.  He got angry and said, “Look, your equipment isn't lined with gold.  All women have a set.  I want you because of who you are and what you’re like.”  The women fell silent, and later Patsy married him.  He hit the sincerity button.  Let's talk about this button.

How Men Choose Women

The r-strategy
We all know lovers and wives are different, so let’s see if scientists know why.  I will use Intelligent Gene Theory (IGT) again, very similar to Selfish Gene Theory. The idea is that mating behaviors are designed to replicate a person's genes as effectively as possible. DNA constructs an organism which will optimally reproduce the DNA.  In this sense a human is a DNA reproduction device. For IG Theory, love is also a mating device invented by DNA.

I'll also discuss reproductive strategies that various species use.  Most men start out using an oyster's reproductive strategy, whereas women mostly behave like elephants.   

This refers to r/K Selection Theory, which identifies two main reproductive strategies.   Consider oysters.  Females send out a lot of eggs into the seawater.  Males send out a lot of sperm into the sea water.  Some of these meet and make fertilized eggs, which become larvae and eventually settle to the bottom and begin to grow as new oysters.  This is the r-strategy. The r-strategy relies on maximum fertility and minimum care for offspring. 

In contrast, elephants live about 50-70 years and the females have only a few offspring in their whole lives.  Pregnancy lasts about 22 months and it takes about 12 to 14 years to raise a young elephant to maturity.  Thus the female must go for quality, carefully selecting a mate, then carefully raising the baby.  This is the K-strategy.

Teenage boys behave like oysters.  At about 16 they “self-invent” the r-strategy, which they think occurred only to them. (It's instinct.) They will try to mate with as many attractive young women as they possibly can. Good idea, eh?  Animal species which use the r-strategy are usually not very intelligent.

The ideal girl for an r-strategy male has excellent reproductive fitness, is about 18 years old, and is rich.  The boy meets her once,  then leaves forever.  Meanwhile, she gets pregnant and lovingly raises his child without him. This enables him to pursue more rich beautiful 18 year olds.  The instinctive plan is to have dozens or hundreds of offspring with no long-term parenting responsibilities.

The r-strategy explains why teenage boys are so interested in  r-strategy females.  This usually fails as a reproductive strategy because r-strategy girls are uncommon, and they are not likely to suddenly settle down to raise this one boy's child. 

For most men, by the time we’re into our 20's we’re usually sitting around complaining to other men that this r-strategy is not working very well. Surprisingly to us, there aren’t very many rich, beautiful 18 year-old women who eagerly want to have casual relationships with us and bear our children.  Most nights we sleep alone. 

The K-strategy
Most adult men eventually switch to the K-strategy.  The K-strategy is really better for men anyway. Most r-strategy men feel unloved, and it's no wonder, because the r-strategy doesn't involve love.  Oysters don't need it.

But it’s not for nothing that men have written reams and reams of poetry, music and novels about love.  Men yearn for love, and we need it more than women.    

By the way, these descriptions apply to the average male and female.  With even a little thought we can all think of females who use the r-strategy.  The picture of Madonna is funny because it caricatures the r-strategy woman.  Also there are men who start out as elephants from the get-go.  Other men keep the r-strategy for life, and they are labeled "not marriage material”.

Anyway, men who adopt the K-strategy want a serious long-term relationship with one woman.  First they have to find one, then they have to arrange themselves to live with her.  Of course she will want to change her man, most men know that.  Men, if you want to know what changes you will be asked to make in the future, read items (a) to (f) here.  Resistance is futile.

Finding the right woman consists of looks and personality.  Men differ a lot about who they find attractive. Most men agree that Marilyn Monroe and Haley Berry are attractive, but about the average woman, men have very different preferences.  At least for both men and women, we know who is physically attractive to us in about two seconds.

Personality is much harder.  Usually the women men are attracted to are not attracted to the men.  Eventually a miracle happens and we find a woman who wants us.  No wonder we're so happy, it's like winning a lottery!

The next thing we do is find out if she is a K-strategy woman.   We don't want our wives to use the r-strategy.    This is because for a man the K-strategy only succeeds if his wife is faithful.  Otherwise a man may not perpetuate his genes. Raising another man's offspring is a genetic disaster.  No wonder men are so jealous.

This table shows how men find a K-strategy wife.  Men implicitly use this table whether they know it or not.  A man using a K-strategy tries hard to have high-quality children and ensure his own paternity, so he looks for a certain type of woman.  First, he should find her especially attractive, meaning he thinks her genes are high quality. Second, she should not use an r-strategy. Third, she should find him especially attractive, meaning she thinks his genes are high quality. (Click on the table to enlarge.)

Then What?
Aha, now it gets interesting!  For a K-strategy man to stay with a woman, he needs three things.  She has to (1) be nice,  (2) look pretty, and (3) maintain physical relations. Then the man is happy.  If she does only two out of three, then the man is ‘unhappy’ in his relationship.  If she does only one out of three, it’s “in crisis”.  If she does zero out of three for a long time, the relationship is usually effectively over.  Nevertheless, it is usually the woman who divorces.

A lesbian I once knew was having trouble with her relationship.  The physical part of their relationship had stopped.  Then her partner ceased to take care of her looks.  It was as if her partner didn’t love her enough to make herself presentable.  Then she stopped bing nice.  She wasn’t mean or abusive, she just took little interest in my friend, became very inwardly turned, and was uncaring and blase about the relationship.  And then the relationship ended.

If you are in a relationship with a man, he probably finds you attractive.  Otherwise there would be no relationship. Remember the attraction part took each of you two seconds.  Since men are so visually driven, they look for women they find attractive,  then they ask them out.  You may remind him of his mother, favorite aunt, or ex-girlfriend (whom he really liked until she tried to kill him with an ice-pick, or something).  You may act or think or talk like his mother.   All of this is perfectly OK, many women are attracted to men who are like their fathers.

So if a man is still seeing a woman, the visuals are usually taken care of.  This also applies to women.  If a woman is still seeing a man, she probably finds him attractive.

Next: Part 2

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References:
Selfish Gene Theory
Physical Attractiveness

The Biology of Gender

The Mating Mind

Comments

[John F Not Kerry]

"Be nice, look pretty, and maintain physical relations."

Truer words were never spoken about what men really want.

[alsdjvvvvf]

I'm mid-30, been using the "r" strategy for years, and am loving it!

K strategy is for suckers.