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June 03, 2006


"Al-Qaeda says Canada deserves bombing"

Canada is so deserving of a terrorist attack.

I mean, those mounties and their damn red coats drive me crazy. And they have the beaver for their national animal! Something has to be done about that.

Their indoctrinate their children in hockey, and all that stick-wielding has got to be a threat to global security. Or a move to dominate every ice rink on the planet. This must be undermined at all costs. And don't even get me started about all that French-speaking. Ooooh, just don't.
Their judges actually wear wigs. Wigs!!! It's insane. What is wrong with these people?

Pamela Anderson. She's obviously hiding something. I'm sure there are bombs in there. Get her before she gets us.

Tim Horton Doughnuts. Blow them all up! Now! Ask questions later!

They have recently laid claim to the North Pole. I mean, where exactly are the rest of us supposed to go when the planet heats up to ten zillion degrees? Oh, they are clever. Devious. Clever. And they end every second sentence in 'eh?'. As if they don't understand anything you're saying. Or you don't understand them. Or something. I say beheading the Prime Minister should just be the first step.

And they are so frigging polite! A few toppled buildings in Toronto and Montreal should fix that! Okay, people in Montreal are already sufficiently rude. But everywhere else! All that in-your-face niceness just gives me the creeps!

One more thing. Poutine. I know it's a French word. It's okay, take it easy. But if you know what this is, you know how seductive it can be. Poutine is now mass-produced in Canada. Those bastards are even selling it in Burger Kings and such. It will be hard, but poutine must ... be ... destroyed!

Okay, I know I've just scratched the surface of why Canada is so deserving of three tons of exploding ammonium fertilizer. But I leave you with this last thought. I just want you to forget for a moment that Canada has seized the last known major oil reserve and is hiding it in a giant sandbox. Forget that there are Canadians living invisibly amongst you at this moment (possibly even in your own home.) Just know this.

In a play for world domination, Canada has secretly manufactured every robotic arm attached to every single space shuttle. Think about that for a minute. Giant robotic arms. Grabbing stuff. In space.

They have to be stopped, eh? I mean, you know?
It's up to you.

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